moving

Control, it's gone
I'm not driving anymore
I've let it take me
I've never lost control before
Drowning in your energy
With your touch, I'm spinning
Eyes closed, I see you
Life is not a malfunction
I want to live
No one looks at me the way you do
Nobody says what you say
I think somehow I always knew you
I know you exist
I've seen you, heard you, touched you
Is this my own manufactured idea
Is this real
Slowly moving forward
I want to keep you.

Thoughts

Waking, Walking forward in shame...
Over and over again.
Not knowing what's best,
Tears me apart.
Lonely and writhing in a permanent state of confusion.
Standing, waiting for something, someone...somewhere.
Water slips through my fingers as I am left with hands.
Only you can save me, Only you know who I am.
Slowly falling, slipping, sliding...away from what I believe.
Once strong, full, and forward, now meek, weak and sad.
Make way for what is, what might be and what could be.
Fill it with grief, loneliness and tears...
Kill the dream, crush the reality, make it all disappear.
What's real, what's good, what's right is wrong.
I long for solid ground.

Bricks

I sat and I stared
I saw them go through the motions
Keeping face for us all
Being strong when all I could do was cry

He wasn't mine to mourn
Yet I mourn him anyway
I hold a deep silent sympathy
For them, for him

I watched him as I walked away
Still keeping face
I know what he feels
Screaming and writhing inside

I looked back one last time
Just to check that face
A solemn constant in a state of confusion
and held up seemingly with the wings of angels

I said goodbye.

Just One Time

One time,
I want to smile without suffering behind it
I want to run without being knocked down
I want to breathe without worry
I want wake up and just be
I want to sing without hesitation

One time,
I want to walk without a glance over my shoulder
I want to give without need to receive
I want to speak without censor
I want to cry without remorse
I want to provide without struggle

One time,
I want to live.

then and now

you used to be you

now you spit nails

i ache for the past

while you push me

i feel broken

ashamed

tired and hungry

though i'm not starving

i need air

i need freedom

i long to find what makes me happy now

you have changed

i miss what you used to be

cry it all out

the resentment and hate

i know how you feel

bitter and hurt

now i suffer from myself

inexcusable and shameful

i blame me.