Losing

What are you waiting for?
Who is she?
Is she Prettier?
Is she smarter?
Is she taller?
Is she less of a mess?
Is she more attentive?
Is she thinner?
Does she speak more eloquently?
Is her hair longer?
Is she more stable?
Less quirky?
Is she childless?
Does she have more freedom?
Is she less damaged?
Does she have a college degree?
Are her eyes bluer?
Is she more graceful?
Who is she....and why is she better than me?

happy new year

hanging head
deep sigh
tears falling
pacing the room
swallowed by loneliness
pouring my confusion out on the floor
nothing fits together
an unpossible merging
i sit
i stand
i wretch
i ache
the sparkle in my eye
it's only a tear
that color blue
its sadness beyond the seas
my affliction, its lonely
i need more
self sabotage and a smiling wall
a thin and tender defense
a beaten soul
bleeding memories slowly into an atmosphere of shit and sky
moving steadily into further reaches of instability
kindly step aside please
i need to fall on my proverbial face