Arms

I hear her breathing
The comfort she brings is astounding
Ten years later and just the thought of her brings me to tears
So proud and so grateful
She is my heart
Nervous and shaking I held her
Small and insignificant, my picayune
Now bold, overwhelming and strong

She is mine.

I watch her touch the hot things
I hold her when she hurts
The tears shed for her are real
They run deep
Salty as the sea and full of love and devotion
I cant make her trust me
Please listen, pay attention, don't walk away
Without saying I love you...

She is definitely mine.

I'm more than halfway
I thought it would feel like forever
Actually seems like no time has passed
She's still so innocent and honest
The world hasn't taken her yet
It's constant pull hasn't defeated me
Please stay small
Please tell me you wont run
Please don't be me...

You will always be mine.

Losing

What are you waiting for?
Who is she?
Is she Prettier?
Is she smarter?
Is she taller?
Is she less of a mess?
Is she more attentive?
Is she thinner?
Does she speak more eloquently?
Is her hair longer?
Is she more stable?
Less quirky?
Is she childless?
Does she have more freedom?
Is she less damaged?
Does she have a college degree?
Are her eyes bluer?
Is she more graceful?
Who is she....and why is she better than me?

happy new year

hanging head
deep sigh
tears falling
pacing the room
swallowed by loneliness
pouring my confusion out on the floor
nothing fits together
an unpossible merging
i sit
i stand
i wretch
i ache
the sparkle in my eye
it's only a tear
that color blue
its sadness beyond the seas
my affliction, its lonely
i need more
self sabotage and a smiling wall
a thin and tender defense
a beaten soul
bleeding memories slowly into an atmosphere of shit and sky
moving steadily into further reaches of instability
kindly step aside please
i need to fall on my proverbial face

Tomorrow

My blanket of bricks weighs heavy
I'm waiting patiently
The mask of smiles is wearing thin
I'm starting to show through

Washing the blue from my eyes
and the blood from my hands
I see through the ripples to the sand
Reaching deeply, going head first
I've lost my grip.

Letting go of reality
Making peace with inner chaos
It has become my normality
Please leave me my sanity

My spine, it's numb
Bending over backwards is more painful than ever
I expect nothing
I'm never hurt

My love for you it's unwavering
Do you see me here?
I'm standing, shaking, crying
You'll love me, I know it
I feel you, I see you
You're walking away
You passed me by
Again, you look through me
I'm amazing, didn't you know?
I thought someone told you...

evening

the cool evening breeze presses my hair to my face

our fingers intertwined and hands warm

looking at me, you smile

my eyes smile back

steps, one in front of the other

quietly we know.

laying on the grass

i feel it gently tickling my neck

bare feet and soft kisses

my heart smiles

sun setting, moon rising

silently enjoying the dusk

quietly we know.

deep river, warm water

mud between our toes

illuminating our bodies, the moon bathes in his reflection

wrapped up in your arms

skin to skin

face to face

slow breathing, hearts beating

quietly we know.

Buried

an equal and opposite reaction, i beg to differ

the ceiling is coming down on top of me

im not sure im going to react

out and breathing

in and buried

i cant decide

my eyes, the sun

are those real tears?

where am i

who am i

what am i doing here

who are you

do i know you

maybe you wont hurt me

should i chance it

i have to stop talking to myself

im in the dark

whos hand is that

where are you taking me

i'll go with you

it doesnt matter where

its just out of reach

climbing, bleeding, shaking

its too high

fallen into this heap

shallow, raspy breathing

im buried

moving

Control, it's gone
I'm not driving anymore
I've let it take me
I've never lost control before
Drowning in your energy
With your touch, I'm spinning
Eyes closed, I see you
Life is not a malfunction
I want to live
No one looks at me the way you do
Nobody says what you say
I think somehow I always knew you
I know you exist
I've seen you, heard you, touched you
Is this my own manufactured idea
Is this real
Slowly moving forward
I want to keep you.

Thoughts

Waking, Walking forward in shame...
Over and over again.
Not knowing what's best,
Tears me apart.
Lonely and writhing in a permanent state of confusion.
Standing, waiting for something, someone...somewhere.
Water slips through my fingers as I am left with hands.
Only you can save me, Only you know who I am.
Slowly falling, slipping, sliding...away from what I believe.
Once strong, full, and forward, now meek, weak and sad.
Make way for what is, what might be and what could be.
Fill it with grief, loneliness and tears...
Kill the dream, crush the reality, make it all disappear.
What's real, what's good, what's right is wrong.
I long for solid ground.

Bricks

I sat and I stared
I saw them go through the motions
Keeping face for us all
Being strong when all I could do was cry

He wasn't mine to mourn
Yet I mourn him anyway
I hold a deep silent sympathy
For them, for him

I watched him as I walked away
Still keeping face
I know what he feels
Screaming and writhing inside

I looked back one last time
Just to check that face
A solemn constant in a state of confusion
and held up seemingly with the wings of angels

I said goodbye.

Just One Time

One time,
I want to smile without suffering behind it
I want to run without being knocked down
I want to breathe without worry
I want wake up and just be
I want to sing without hesitation

One time,
I want to walk without a glance over my shoulder
I want to give without need to receive
I want to speak without censor
I want to cry without remorse
I want to provide without struggle

One time,
I want to live.

then and now

you used to be you

now you spit nails

i ache for the past

while you push me

i feel broken

ashamed

tired and hungry

though i'm not starving

i need air

i need freedom

i long to find what makes me happy now

you have changed

i miss what you used to be

cry it all out

the resentment and hate

i know how you feel

bitter and hurt

now i suffer from myself

inexcusable and shameful

i blame me.

Dreaming

Death tugs at my ear and whispers "Live! I am coming." -Virgil

He taps my shoulder and spits in my face as I turn and face him.
He makes me feel like I have been sabotaged by my own thoughts.
I want to live. I want to breathe.

I want him to know that I am winning.
Him with hands over ears and eyes of stone.
He listens naught.
I will live. I will breathe.

He haunts my dreams. He lives in my soul.
Churning in filth and fire.
I am alive. He is shriveling.
He is wasting away.
I am living. I am breathing.

I am winning.

Flood

I lay quietly for many years
I feel something
My bed softens
I expand ever so slightly
With the increasing humidity
More now, stronger
The cool water flows over my dry brittle bones
I am lifted up
Traveling through the soft wet soil
I reach the top and gasp for air
I feel nothing, my lungs a memory
I remember.
I can see the world around me
I float by your children
I feel you watching me
No longer trapped by pine and dirt
I know that is where I belong
I reach out, feel nothing
I go where the current takes me
I rest when she rests
I have a new home
Only after my identity is gone
No one will ever know the life I lived
The ocean was my home
I tasted that today.

The Beginning

No readers as of yet. My thoughts, my musings, my opinions. Unedited, unscripted, untouched.

My name is Lessa and it's nice to meet you........:)